Faith. Its such a small word but it carries so much weight. Three years ago today, I was driving away from Children’s hospital in a complete fog, functioning solely on auto-pilot. I’d just heard the words Spinal Muscular Atrophy for the first time in my life and I heard them in reference to my son. My baby boy. My happy, little man who did nothing but fill others lives with joy. We had to wait for the blood work and the official diagnosis of course, but I knew…I knew it was going to be confirmed. In the next few weeks, I shed a LOT of tears, went through a lot of emotions: denial, anger, pain, heartbreak. I asked God a lot of questions: why? am I being punished? is it my fault? why him and not me? I also mourned what I thought was the loss of the opportunity to have any more children for fear of this dreaded disease. I came to realize over the next few months how little my faith actually was. Matthew 21:22 “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” This is the verse I claimed during my last pregnancy as I prayed and prayed our baby would be born without SMA. One would think through Trevor’s diagnosis, treatments, illnesses, and that pregnancy my faith would have grown. Maybe it has but as I was reading in Matthew again just recently, I was hit once again by the subject of faith. In Matthew 14, we find the story of Peter walking on water. As we continue reading, we see Peter loses sight of Jesus and starts to doubt because of the circumstances around him. Jesus then responds to Peter, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (vs. 31) Little faith? Little? PETER WALKED ON WATER! He was the only one with enough faith to do that and yet, even then, the Lord still called it a little faith. I don’t know that I would’ve taken that step. As I read through each subsequent chapter of Matthew, the subject of faith continues to come up. There are instances in chapter 15 and 17 of Jesus healing. That topic hits very close to home for me because I have prayed that Trevor would be healed but I don’t think I’ve ever prayed that believing it would ACTUALLY happen. All to often I think I fall into assuming a miracle wouldn’t be God’s will so I don’t believe or expect Him to perform one. And that is a lack of faith on my part. Yes, I am totally open to accepting His will being the answer “no” but I should pray expecting miracles. He is a mighty God. He is the God of Heaven and Earth. He calms waves and storms, He heals the sick, lame, and blind, He casts out demons, He defeated sin and death! Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
Hysteria and Heroics 